Dave and Wendy Ulrich
Coming home from a mission is an exciting time for missionaries and their families. It is a thrill to be reunited with those we love, to see changes and growth, and to plan for the future. However, this transition is often more difficult than the missionary or family expects. Returning missionaries may feel like actors in a play that has run out of script. They face decisions about school, career, lifestyle, relationships, and Church, but don’t have all the information they need to proceed with confidence. They need loving support while they find their script, and patience with themselves as they go from being seasoned veterans at missionary work to being “greenies” at adult life. Nevertheless, most missionaries manage these changes successfully – eventually!
Our stake is sponsoring a quarterly workshop for newly returned missionaries to help them begin to get some models and concepts for thinking about this stage of life. In talking to returning missionaries, we find some common themes. We hope that sharing some of these themes might help you to help your missionary with this transition.
1. To pick them up or not. There are advantages and disadvantages to both options. If you decide to go, some tips: Missionaries like showing you around but also are eager to get home – don’t stay more than a few days. Call the mission office to work out travel arrangements, work out hotels and itineraries yourself, be on time for any meetings at the mission home, and try not to tie your missionary up with planning. Missionaries often complained to us about parents making them “trunky” by counting down the days and talking only of plans to come visit or for when the missionary returns. Preferences of mission presidents and local circumstances vary greatly, so respect his requests. The church asks that you not plan to stay with members (even when members invite you). Once you are there, recognize that your missionary knows far better than you how to get around, what is safe or not safe, what is appropriate, how much things should cost, etc., and let them take the lead. Understand that missionaries are expected to live and dress like missionaries until released by their stake president at home.
Some would really prefer to come home and be released, then return later to visit. Most parents do not pick up missionaries, and most missionaries are fine with this. They are eager to get home anyway! In all cases, realize that the stake president’s release is an important transition event, as are homecoming talks, high council reports, family gatherings, father’s blessings, and other traditions that help mark this life change.
2. Excitement and disorientation. Ending a mission can be challenging, and it is not unusual for missionaries to feel disoriented and a little lost. Often they are physically and emotionally tired and looking forward to a few days to sleep in, visit with friends, and do nothing. Parents rightfully expect children to come home from a mission with new maturity, skills, motivation, and discipline, and may be dismayed to see them sitting around playing video games in their pajamas. Try to remember that missionaries have worked 60+ hour weeks for months and years with no weekends off and no vacations, and outside of these work hours they were expected to study, plan, keep up an apartment, and help companions. They need a little time to rest, to learn to be a “normal” person again, and to integrate their new self with their old environment. At the other extreme, they may be quite judgmental of the family, overly idealistic in standards, and not want to let go of mission patterns. This is certainly not all bad! Don’t get defensive, and don’t tease – just be kind and patient. Make sure they have some kind of personal space, especially if they won’t get their old room back. They also need some non-missionary clothes, books, music, and activities that gradually reintroduce them to normal life. Ask about their plans, interests, and needs in a supportive, non-judgmental way. Listen, learn, be patient, and remember: They won’t stay in this “lost” phase forever.
Need for structure. Once they have had a few days to relax, they will probably start to want some structure. Parents can help by listening, asking about lessons learned from the mission, and encouraging goals and plans. This is the time to get a non-missionary calendar/planner and start setting some goals again. They can and should schedule time to relax, have fun, think, socialize, work out, and read a good book, as well as time to pursue goals, look for work, help at home, and start schooling. Your role now switches from manager to consultant, from resource provider to resource broker, from steward to loving friend. Good questions: What do you think? What are your options? How can I help? Would you be interested in…? Could you…?
At our workshop, we will encourage your missionaries to think about a vision for themselves, to create specific goals, to focus in on doable actions, and to structure time to follow up with themselves at regular intervals. We will focus on the five aspects of transition and well-being: emotional, physical, intellectual, social, and spiritual.
Big goals, little steps. Newly returning missionaries will not be able to create a ten-year plan for themselves (although some would like to). More important is to start doing small things that will help them get some momentum and put them in the path of inspiration. Help them list ten little things they could do in a variety of areas to get started (school, work, social life, hobbies, church, friends, etc.), and the bigger life purposes will emerge over time. Review patriarchal blessings. Make lists of what they have learned, what they like, and what they want. Some helpful books:
What Color is Your Parachute? (Bolles) for direction in career decisions
Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, (Steve Covey) for goal setting, planning
Seven Habits for Teens, (Sean Covey) for goal setting, planning at a teen’s level
4. The Artist’s Way, by Cameron for imaginative ways to get started with goals
Renegotiating family relationships. Generally, children leave for missions and adults return. This means that everyone has to adjust to a new, adult-adult relationship. As parents, it helps if we will lovingly initiate conversations about our ability or willingness to provide financial support, our need for help with household responsibilities, and our hopes for our new relationship rather than imposing rules. Your child is now an adult who has been living independently for some time, and who has dreams, skills, needs for independence, and ideas that may differ from yours. Be patient with the over-idealism that missionaries often cling to in the ambiguity of a new life. It is not easy to go from having the answers to loving the questions, and some make this transition more easily than others. Also, almost every mission and every first year home has sensitive or unresolved issues. Work to ask questions in ways that invite honest answers, and be careful not to let pride in your missionary’s accomplishments leave them afraid to disappoint you. Then accept that they still may not tell you everything.
Friends and dating. President Hinckley has said that in order to remain active and become integrated in the church, new converts need a friend, a meaningful assignment, and to be nurtured in the good word of God. Now, instead of providing those things for others, your missionary needs to get them for himself or herself. Families can help. Social life is a big challenge for many returning missionaries. It is hard to go from having constant companions, even if you don't like them, to not having anyone to hang out with. It is especially hard if old friends have moved on, or have not grown up while the missionary has. Returning missionaries may have to work at making friends and dating again, and that can feel awkward. Avoid jokes about marriage, and help them manage outside pressure to make decisions about marriage too fast. Help them trust themselves to just date, learn to be friends with the opposite sex, and not feel that every date requires an immediate decision about marriage potential. Have fun helping them think of things to do, people to do them with, and ways to connect, and support them in taking time for this important part of life.
Singles wards. We have found that attending a singles ward or branch (if available) is almost always a good idea, even though almost nobody likes singles wards at first. Staying in a family ward with no one their age is just not in their developmental interests, even if it feels easier to them and delights their parents. If the singles ward just doesn’t work at all, encourage Institute participation and singles activities.
Church callings. Encourage your missionary to approach the bishop or branch president directly about serving in the Church. If they do not have a calling in the Church within a month, consider talking to Church leaders yourself. Be bold! Serving in the Church helps returned missionaries use their skills, build relationships, strengthen faith, and continue to develop. Many returned missionaries find attending and serving in the temple very rewarding, especially if there are others their age also serving there. Encourage serving and developing spirituality even without a formal calling.
Finding meaning. It is often difficult for returning missionaries to find work or activities with anything close to the meaning and purpose that being a missionary had. Driving a pizza truck or struggling through chemistry just may not feel as eternally significant as preaching the gospel and saving souls. Also, it may feel selfish and unnatural to spend so much time thinking about their own life and goals when they are used to spending most of their time thinking about others. Help them find ways to keep their work, school, social, and personal goals connected to their larger spiritual goals and purposes. Encourage them to remember the big picture, find new ways to serve, and make time to nurture themselves in the good word of God through scripture study, good books, church classes, and prayer. But also help them conceptualize spirituality as less defined by strict obedience to a set of outward rules (appropriate in the mission field) and more defined by balance, prioritizing, building a community, and infusing spirituality into the messy business of work, school, dating, roommates, families, and singles wards.
Getting help. Sometimes missionaries face more than temporary adjustments to returning home. Some struggle to make sense out of disappointments or negative experiences as missionaries. Others stop being active in the Church, or still seem lost many weeks after returning home. Some assume that since they completed an honorable mission, God should take care of them better than He seems to be doing. Parents, bishops, other missionaries, siblings, former advisors, teachers, and professional counselors may help such missionaries to make peace with their mission, sort out problems, and get back on track.
Transitions take time. The first year home from a mission seems to be especially vulnerable, and if other family or life transitions are thrown in at the same time this can dramatically multiply the stress your missionary feels. Model tolerance for ambiguity, humor, baby steps, decision-making and problem-solving skills, self-forgiveness, adult spirituality, and loving connections and acceptance. And enjoy the ride!